So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
