Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
