you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize