Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
