I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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