WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Randomize
