My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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