What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
