I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
