I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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