You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
