I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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