Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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