The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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