my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
