and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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