I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
