even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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