I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
