so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
