I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
