fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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