I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Drake has all the answers
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
