Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize