Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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