my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
