doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
