i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
