Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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