Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
