lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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