Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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