Apparently you make a good broom.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
