Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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