i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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