Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
