I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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