You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
