my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
