You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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