First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
