I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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