I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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