nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
