Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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