Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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