I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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