Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
