whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
My pussy is not your playground.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
