I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
