his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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