On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
