The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i now understand why vodka
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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