It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
