On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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