just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
