i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
