I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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